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Alright, gamers, gather ’round and let Uncle Scotty tell you a tale. A tale of corporate greed, questionable ports, and the slow, agonizing death of your precious thumbs. Yes, you heard right, Ubisoft’s decided to shove some of its “AAA” titles onto the latest iPhones, because apparently, the world wasn’t cruel enough already.

First up, we got Assassin’s Creed Mirage. Now, I wouldn’t call “hiding in haystacks lite” a true AAA experience, but hey,at least it’s something new, right? Except… it’s only playable on the newest, fanciest iPhones and iPads. You know, those ones most folks can’t afford to replace every year because they keep “accidentally” falling out of pockets at the bottom of swimming pools? Classic.

But wait, there’s more! The upcoming Assassin’s Creed Shadows (because apparently, originality is deader than Ezio) is also coming to Macs. Great, so now you can experience the joy of repetitive stabbing missions with the added bonus of hunching over a tiny keyboard. Sounds ergonomic!

Oh, and don’t forget Rabbids: Legends of the Multiverse, a “wacky battle card game” because apparently, Ubisoft forgot how to make actual games these days. Here’s a newsflash, folks: “wacky” doesn’t hide the fact this is a blatant cash grab aimed at gullible parents with overflowing Apple Arcade subscriptions.

Now, Apple’s bragging about some new “Metal API” and “M-series processors” that’ll supposedly make these games sing.But let’s be real, are you seriously gonna strap a controller to your phone and call it a day? Your hands will cramp faster than you can say “microtransactions.”

Look, I’m not saying mobile gaming can’t be good. But this whole Ubisoft on Apple thing reeks of a desperate attempt to stay relevant. They’re throwing these watered-down versions of their franchises at a platform that, frankly, isn’t built for hardcore gaming. It’s all about squeezing every last penny out of brand recognition, not about giving you, the actual gamer, a decent experience.

So, unless you’re rocking the latest iPhone with a controller surgically attached to your hand, I suggest you steer clear of this mobile mess. There are plenty of fantastic, genuinely good games out there on your phone. Just avoid the ones with giant corporate logos plastered all over them, alright? Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a date with a real controller and a console that doesn’t require a mortgage payment. Keep it real, gamers.